So yeah. It’s August. The end of August.
And what have I written?
Well okay. That’s not entirely true.
I’ve been writing lots of emails. Long emails. Emails to a very special someone. And that someone’s sailing the ocean blue far, far away.
Here it’s summer – been a balmy and beautiful one at that – but there it’s a stormy & snowy winter on the open, icy seas. And it’s been 30 days since we’ve seen each other.
I promised myself when I began this blog that I wouldn’t write about romance.
Ugh. Even the thought makes me cringe a little.
In my opinion there are too many blogs out there that just air their dirty laundry or chronicle their romantic escapades. Sometimes they can be entertaining. Sometimes. Then again I could also just pick up one of those grocery store Fabio novels if I wanted to read that kind of “entertainment.” Yeah, you know which ones I’m talking about…
To be quite candid, I’ve never really been in a position or situation to discuss anything having to do with that overused four-letter word, unless of course it was the unrequited kind.
Don’t worry. I’m still holding to that promise I made to myself. I have no intention of turning this blog into a “Dear Diary” read.
But there are a couple observations (and pseudo-excuses) that I’ve made over the past 30 days that I’d like to share with you all:
Firstly, it’s quite astonishing how the absence of someone (especially someone who’s tugged quite forcefully at your heart-strings) can make them more acutely present than when they’re physically near. I mean distractingly present. Ha! Does that even make sense?
It’s also quite astonishing how the absence of someone can conjure such an incredible array of emotions. A veritable feast. Maybe this isn’t astonishing to normal people. And by “normal” I mean people who are in touch with their feelings and emotions. Yeah… I’m a little emotionally inept. Okay inept might be a little strong. Retarded. As in slow. Yep. Now that’s a little astonishing… an emotionally retarded girl. Haha! Yes, I’m probably in the minority, but I know I’m not alone…
When you think about it, it really is kind of crazy. How many different emotions we, as humans created in the image of the invisible God, are privileged to experience. And all at the same time too! It’s not like we have just three to choose from – happy, sad or mad. Nope. Anticipation, anxiety, joy, frustration, peacefulness, sullenness… the list could go on and on…
But sometimes it doesn’t feel like a privilege, does it? Sometimes it feels like curse. Like complete chaos. Like my heart & soul are being tossed to and fro on the roughest seas imaginable.
Well thank the Lord I have an anchor. I have Him!
He keeps me from drifting into an endless abyss. He knows my heart better than anyone – better than myself. And He calms my storms, gives me clarity, and draws me to Himself.
Yes, I’ve been a little preoccupied the past 30 days. Preoccupied in my heart and my thoughts with someone who isn’t here. Who’s absent. But there’s one conclusion that I can’t hide from… How often am I utterly preoccupied with the One whom I can’t see but who is always with me? How often am I thinking about and looking to the Home that I’m absent from?
I’m ashamed to say that far too often it takes a storm to get the eyes of my heart gazing on the Anchor of my soul.
But God is good. He’s allowing me to feel remorse. To feel sadness, grief, joy and hope.
Wait, what? Joy and hope?
All those emotions. All at once. Because I know “God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in His holiness” that I might “produce a harvest of righteousness and peace.”
He’s calming my seas.
He’s drawing me back to Him.