Disclaimer: I apologize in advance if this post makes little sense… you’ll soon understand why.
It’s Friday May 6th. It’s Friday… the last Friday of my three weeks off. It’s Friday and what do twenty-something single people do on a Friday night? Well I think they go out… I think.
But what am I doing? I’m laying on the couch, staring blankly at the computer whilst occasionally slipping off into Dreamland for a half-hour or two. Well that’s just what happens when you have a slight fever and strep throat. On my last weekend of vacation. Great timing I know…
I guess it’s a good thing I don’t like going out anyway. Even on a Friday night.
And as I lay here in a state of slight delirium I find myself stuck in my own head. Asking questions. All sorts of questions. Some silly, some serious; some with answers and some without.
What time is it? How long did I sleep? Should I do homework? Do I want to do homework? Orange or green jello? What’s for dinner? Ha! That’s a question I ask every night. Rarely do I have the answer.
Who am I, where am I and how’d I get here?
Jessika Christine Anspach on the couch.
This of course is the obvious answer. But as always I’m not asking the obvious question.
Who am I, where am I and how’d I get here?
Recently I cleared out an old storage unit and in a box found the amazing photo album/scrapbook my mom made me for my 16th birthday. After perusing photos of little Sika, I found myself searching the face my eyes met in the mirror. Where is that little girl? She must be hiding in there somewhere…
There are those eyes…
…and the enormous shades she liked to hide them under.
Well some things never change…
But how’d she become me? And how’d I get here anyway?
Life doesn’t always turn out the way we picture it. Ha! Or at least it hasn’t turned out the way I’d pictured it.
Along with the photo album, I discovered other jewels in that previously hidden box of treasures: projects I did in my 8th grade and sophomore Health classes. Similar assignments asked me where I saw myself by my 10-year High School reunion.
According to the very practical and conventional 8th grade Jessika I’d be a Seattle Pacific University grad, majoring in Interior Design and minoring in English (yes… I had already chosen my minor). I’d meet my future husband at college, get married at 25 (like my mom) and I’d have a family. I’d either be an interior designer (again like my mom) or a screenplay writer. Okay, well most of it was “very practical.”
The funny thing is from this little Health class project you’d never know how hard I was working to achieve my dream. It was a very common little girl dream – to become a professional ballerina. And while I was full of desire and determination I think part of my heart put little stock in it. Someone once told me “Never get your hopes up; then you’ll never be disappointed,”and by this motto I subconsciously protected my heart. And besides, dreams don’t really come true… that’s the stuff of Fairy Tales and Disney movies, right?
By my sophomore year I’d allowed my dreams to seep in a little more, but I still had a back-up plan for the back-up plan if you know what I mean. These are the collages I created for the covers of this project:
On each was written:
“By my ten-year reunion, a goal I have is to be a professional ballerina. I would love to be at Pacific Northwest Ballet or SanFrancisco Ballet, but any company would be just great! I have worked for so long to achieve this goal, but if it doesn’t happen I won’t be too disappointed, because it’s a hard profession to achieve.”
“My goal by my ten-year reunion is to be in a relationship. I don’t expect to be married, although it would be nice, but a good relationship or have had a relationship is a goal of mine.”
Like I said, life doesn’t always turn out the way we imagine it will. I’m 26, I live at home and I still don’t even have my A.A. let alone a degree in Interior Design from SPU. Shoot! I’m not even going for Bachelors of Arts anymore… And as for the whole “relationships” thing… well I still have two years. Ha ha!
If I measured my life according to my 8th grade expectations I would have utterly failed.
“But I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” For “In his heart a man plans his course, but the LORD determines His steps.”
See I had expectations in mind, but the Lord had other ideas. He’s in the business of making the impossible possible. He truly does give us the desires of our heart when we seek Him with all our heart. And He does this to bring glory to Himself, not by our might but by His!
So who am I and how’d I get here?
I’m Jessika Christine Anspach, a ballerina, daughter of the Most High God and I’m still on the couch.
“Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we can ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever. Amen!” ~ Ephesians 3:20-21