Really? Can it be? Has it almost been a month since I wrote a post?
Yes Jessika. Yes it has.
This is an epic failure on my part (okay maybe epic is a tad bit dramatic). Life has been crazy but when is it ever not crazy? And therefore all I can say is I’m sorry. But I feel like I’m constantly apologizing – to you (what must now be the non-existent readers of this almost non-existent blog), to my family and friends, and above all to the Lord.
I know I’ve probably said this before, but I feel like ever since January 1st, 2010, the car that is my life unbeknownst to me shifted up a gear and I’ve been running along side it trying to jump back in the driver’s seat. Why am I not in my car? Don’t ask me these things… it’s a mental picture I’m painting. Run with me on this one… Yes, pun slightly intended.
I feel like any time off I have is devoted to the game of catch-up. And I hate that game almost as much as I hate that salty, tomatoey stuff that comes in the glass bottle. I wish I could somehow manage to maintain relationships – you know, keeping in touch with people on a regular basis. But much like Vitamin D, I seem to be deficient in this skill as well.
This past week I was on “vacation” and I found the ticker tape of my inner dialogue reading something like: “Okay… who haven’t I talked to/seen in the past 3 months? Who do I need to have a) lunch b) coffee c) dinner with?” Needless to say the list filled up quite quickly. And while I fully admit I am a planner, this catch-up game gives me anxiety akin to the sensation you feel when you can’t catch your breath. Stressed? Just a bit.
In moments of weariness, generally at the end of the day when I feel frayed around the edges, Stressika (my alter-ego) rears her hideous face, and flares of ill temper burn anyone within a 5ft radius – usually my dear sweet parents. I find that as Paul so aptly puts it:
“I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do… For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do-this I keep on doing.” Romans 7:15, 18-19.
Post Sika-flare (much like the Solar kind), I stand back in shock, disbelief and disgust at my behavior. “WHO was that?! Gross!!! That wasn’t me… or at least the me I want to be.” Again I find myself humbled, asking for forgiveness, apologizing once more. I’m sorry.
Can you relate? I don’t think I’m alone in this. Relationships are hard. Life is hard. Life can be stressful. Disagreements, arguments and full scale fights are unfortunately all too common – a byproduct of stress and sin, and the cause of much heartache, strife and pain. And yet I was incredibly surprised to find that at my favorite drugstore when I was looking for a card to express my remorse to my parents there were only three “I’m sorry” greeting cards. Three. I counted. And one of them basically said something to the effect of “We both said things we regretted.” We both? How would you know the other person regretted what they said? Seems not only a bit presumptuous, but also appears to be justifying the “regrettable words,” lessening one’s own responsibility. Some apology.
And why, out of the hundreds of greeting cards- some for birthdays, some for sympathy, some “just for fun”- could I only find 3 cards that were in the service of mending and restoring relationships? Maybe it’s just me, but I think that’s a pretty important task. Difficult to do, but vital to life. And definitely worthy of a card.
I love to give and to receive handwritten letters. I guess it’s the old-fashioned romantic in me. But it’s my inner artist and crafter that thrives on creating my own, most of which are either of the “thank you,” “blank” or “personal stationary” nature. Maybe in this new line of stitched greeting cards – that I may or may not sell on Etsy (a.k.a. the inspiration) – I’ll include “I’m sorry” cards too.
Here are some samples for you to view (and a little rhyming too… he he!)